Ramblings on something encouraging

Me: Why is my life such a mess?

Roommate: Well... because if it weren't a mess, it wouldn't be interesting.

I thought this was really encouraging.

Ramblings on... um... *Slaps self*

This guy I liked last year is (I think) in love with a girl that I know. I'm 95% sure she doesn't give a rat's ass.

This made my week.

No, my month.

And probably my year.

I think I'm evil.

:)

Ramblings on my being ridiculous

I'm looking at Facebook pictures of a certain someone and crying. I've NEVER felt this ridiculous before. No, serious. This is a new low for me and my bloody self-esteem.

It might be because I'm sick right now and everything school-related seems to be converging into this giant ball of tangled deadlines and assignments and rehearsals...

Or it just might be the pills I've been taking...

Or it might be that I'm fucking hormonal during wrong fucking time of the fucking month...

But I think I've, for the first time in a long time, realized the very probable possibility of me, spending the rest of my life on my own.

And honestly? That's fucking scary.

I think I act like I don't want anyone. But deep deep WAAAAAY deep down, I think I'm just waiting for someone to change my mind.

This shit doesn't normally bother me this much. But right now, I feel like I'm going to fall apart into little pieces.

Ramblings on a more current state of mind

I always do this when an impending performance looms over my head: I get introspective, thoughtful and over-analytic.

But it's never about my performance. Instead, it's about people, relationships, God, family, etc.

Usually, this... process... helps my performance by giving it a nuance that I wouldn't have found weeks before.

But the circumstances surrounding my performance (actually, my life in general) are so different from my previous performances and this process is more intense this time.

I feel like I'm climbing deeper and deeper inside my own head and I hate it. To avoid it, I'm flipping into workaholic mode: I'm keeping myself busy with work and forcing myself to become exhausted to the point where I can't think about those things.

I lay down to sleep an my mind reels thought countless things all at once. I wake up and I don't feel fully rested.

It has never been this intense and I feel like it's becoming detrimental to my performance more than helping it this time.

In art as in life, it is about finding balance. And as it is in everything, balance is difficult to achieve.

I hope I can get this sorted...

Ramblings on confusion